Characters
Therapist
Sarah-Secretary
Zeus
Hera
Medea
Chorus
Scene Setting-Therapist’s Office
Light up. The THERAPIST is at his desk, working on papers. The intercom pops on.
It’s SARAH, his secretary.
SARAH (V/O)
Sir?
THERAPIST
Yes, Kira.
SARAH
(V/O)
It’s Sarah.
THERAPIST
Oh, Sorry.
Yes, Sarah.
SARAH
(V/O)
Your 2:30’s
here.
THERAPIST
Who’s my 2:30,
again?
SARAH
(V/O)
Roman and Juno, sir.
THERAPIST
Great…send
them in.
(Thunder crashes as the couple enters STAGE LEFT: it appears to be ZEUS and HERA completely decked out in Greek clothing. They walk side by
side and gracefully sit down, looking straight at the therapist. The therapist
doesn’t bother to look up from their desk.)
THERAPIST
Thank you for coming in today.
ZEUS
It is not like I had a choice.
HERA glares at him.
THERAPIST
So you are… (shuffling papers, then looks up at ZEUS, a little put off by his outfit) Roman…and (looks to HERA, confused) you must be…Juno?
HERA
Actually…
ZEUS
I am Zeus, Father of the Gods and
men, and this is my Wife Goddess, Hera.
THERAPIST
Okay…is a joke from Sarah? Did
she put you up to this?
HERA
No, mortal. It is no joke.
ZEUS
We are the Gods.
(SOUND
EFFECTS-Thunder.)
THERAPIST
Alright, well, I am sensing some
identity issues. Tell me, who picked out the names?
ZEUS
I did.
THERAPIST
And Hera, how do you feel about
that?
HERA
Well, I feel like my husband is
embarrassed of me.
ZEUS
Ridiculous!
THERAPIST
Now, Zeus, we have to let Hera
express herself. (to Hera) How so?
HERA
Well, let us
start with this session. He didn’t want it to get out that we were seeking
marriage counseling up at Mt. Olympus so he opts to see a mortal and use those
dumb aliases.
ZEUS
(Proudly) They are not dumb.
HERA
First off,
instead of taking his Roman name Jupiter, he instead is entitled ‘Roman’, which
is fine by me. I, for one, would hate to be called a planet. But when it’s time
to pick my name, he decides to keep name the Roman name of Juno. I despise the
name Juno and he knows that!
THERAPIST
Zeus, were you aware that she was
displeased by that name?
ZEUS
Well, it may have slipped my
mind…
HERA
Slipped?!?
Ever since that movie came out about the pregnant girl who speaks the language
of nonsense I refuse to be called by that name! For the summer we vacationed in
Rome, everywhere we went as “Roman and Juno” I was bombarded with nonsensical
phrases, like “For shizz up the spout”,
and “Geez, Banana…Shut you frigging gob!” I have watched that film on forty
different occasions and still have no idea what that fertile teenager was talking
about!
ZEUS
Clearly, Wife
Goddess, you are over exaggerating.
THERAPIST
What is she
over exaggerating about, Zeus? Please explain.
ZEUS
She acts as if
I’ve known that! Hera expects me to know everything. She never tells me what is
ever wrong with her. She just bottles it in and then takes her anger out on
others.
HERA
Well, not to
be rude, my Lord, but aren’t you the “Father of the Gods”? YOU of all people
should know what is wrong with your subjects…
(muttered) or at least your own wife.
ZEUS
Oh, hear she
goes…
THERAPIST
What do you
mean, Zeus?
ZEUS
This is the
same thing she complains about every time…our martial agreements.
THERAPIST
Which was?
ZEUS
When we got
married, we agreed to do it for political reason, since after all, we are… (clears throat, then mutters) related.
THERAPIST
What was that?
HERA
He said we are
related. Brother and Sister…can’t you see the resemblance?
HERA motions to both her face and ZEUS’s. Since ZEUS’s face is largely covered up with a long, white, beard---the
resemblance is not so much. Still, the information takes the THERAPIST back a bit.
THERAPIST
You’re…siblings?!?
ZEUS
(clearly embarrassed) Yes, well…
HERA tries to explain the situation, and does it as if she’s explained to a
thousand times before.
HERA
Look, I know
it sounds bad, but all the Gods marry “in the family” so there won’t be any
power alliances. Like he said…it was purely for political reasons. As one of his
sisters, Zeus felt he needed to have a wife that met his match both in power
and in mind. Besides… (arms akimbo,
slightly pouting) he tricked me.
ZEUS is insulted.
ZEUS
I DID NOT!
HERA
He PRETENDED
to be a hurt animal, knowing that I LOVE animals, and as I mended and kissed
its’ broken body back to health, POOF! He’s got me in a legally binding contract
of deity matrimony for-EVER.
The THERAPIST finally gets
over the sibling shock.
THERAPIST
Uh…Zeus, is
this true?
ZEUS
Okay, so I
maybe tricked you into marrying me.
HERA scoffs.
ZEUS
But since
we’re on the topic…if I tricked you into marrying me, then why, WIFE GODDESS,
are you so hung up on me being a monogamous husband?
HERA seems hurt. Her graceful demeanor and
goddess-like behavior slowly turns to a mortal woman who is just about to rip
her husband a new one.
` HERA
EXCUSE ME?
ZEUS now talks to the THERAPIST. He turns from his nobility and god-like stature to a man
who’s about to start WW III.
ZEUS
If I so-called
tricked her into marrying me, then why does she get upset whenever I’ve been
unfaithful?
HERA
Because…oh, I
don’t know, I’m the FUCKING GODDESS OF MARRIAGE AND FIDELITY!
ZEUS
AND COWS!
DON’T FORGET THE GODDESS OF COWS!
HERA
FOR THEIR
WIDSOM AND SOULFUL EYES, YOU ASSHOLE!
ZEUS
Sure, about
TWENTY POUND AGO!
The THERAPIST blows an air horn, hurting both ZEUS’s and HERA’s ears.
HERA
Jesus, Mary
and Joseph--- that’s loud!
The therapist and ZEUS look at her oddly.
THERAPIST
Um…well, we’re
almost out of time. Let’s just focus on the infidelity. Zeus, how many
indiscretions have you had since married to Hera?
HERA turns to ZEUS, waiting for him to say
the number.
ZEUS
A few…
HERA
…hundred.
ZEUS
Give or take…
HERA
…several more
hundred.
The therapist just does not believe HERA.
THERAPIST
Really?
Several hundred? How can you be sure, Hera?
HERA
Well, I may
not know the exact number, but I figure since he has over a hundred
bastards…and he has an affinity for young men with water pitchers…the number’s
up there.
The THERAPIST is astonished
and almost criticizes ZEUS with the
next question.
THERAPIST
Really? A
hundred kids?
HERA
One time, he “laid
down” with the Goddess of Memory for nine days, and that resulted in NINE
different daughters! Then he had the nerve to make them all muses!
ZEUS
Look, just
because I helped them get jobs, it’s not like I see them a lot. Just whenever
one of them wants to go to Earth…It’s purely for professional reasons.
HERA scoffs
HERA
Right…and
Heracles is named after me.
ZEUS
HE IS!
HERA
LIKE I WANT TO
BE NAMED AFTER YOUR BASTARD YOU MOTHER-
*ding*
THERAPIST
Oh, times up!
The THERAPIST is trying to
hid is happiness as he gestures for ZEUS
and HERA to get up.
ZEUS
Wow, really?
HERA
Huh, I thought
we were making real progress.
THERAPIST
Yes, well, if
you wish to see me again, please let Kira—no, Sarah know and she’ll schedule
you in for an appointment.
HERA
Thank you so
much for seeing us.
ZEUS
Yes, I wasn’t
happy to be here at first, but I am glad we came. Don’t you agree, Hera?
HERA looks warmly at her husband.
HERA
Yes.
THERAPIST
Yes, well,
hope to see you two soon.
ZEUS and HERA
exit. SOUND EFFECT-THUNDER. The THERAPIST
sits back in his chair exhausted. He pops the intercom on.
THERAPIST
Sarah.
SARAH (V/O)
Yes, sir?
THERAPIST
How many
appointments do I have left?
SARAH (V/O)
Just one
walk-in…and she’s next.
The THERAPIST
sighs in relief.
THERAPIST
Great. What
her name?
SARAH (V/O)
Let me
check…what’s your name, dear?
MEDEA
(V/O)
Medea. I’m
here to deal with my husband’s infidelities.
CHORUS (all together) (V/O)
She wishes to
kill his mistress
and pull a
Casey Anthony on
her kids just
to spite him.
SARAH
V/O
Oh…and who are
they?
MEDEA (V/O)
You can see
them too? Oh, thank ZEUS! I also wanted to talk about possibly hearing voices.
These people have been following me for MONTHS!
CHORUS (all together) (V/O)
Oh, like
you’re so special that
we’d follow
you? It’s hard to find
work in this
economy.
It was either
you or Oedipus
and he has
serious mommy issues.
THERAPIST slams his head repeatedly on his desk.
Lights out.
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